from an article originally posted October 11, 2014…
I spent a lot of last week dreading Friday. When someone would ask me about radiation, I would get a hard knot in my stomach. The previous week as I was speaking, I broke down asking for prayer for the time I would be pinned down in a mask as the stink eye attempted to rid my brain of cancer.
I’m fighting to get out of bed this morning. Today, today my head is fitted for a mask to battle my brain cancer. We have to re-look under my skull to see if my cancer has grown in the 2 weeks I opted for chemo first. Every pain, every headache, the fear of larger brain tumors fills me with dread. But, the grace, the big and little grace in each moment keeps me looking for hope. A daughter of a dear friend wrote a paper for school about me. My friend shot a picture of it and sent it to me last night. That a young woman would see my story and see my fight for hope—well, that’s just goodness promptting me to get my behind out of bed this morning.
from an article originally posted August 8, 2014…
Yesterday a dear friend asked me if I was tired of this battle. I simply sent her this.
Which was totally unfair, because I know it made her cry. But it is a bit true—looking at these faces, I will continue to take the treatment. I know I’m fading. I know new corners of cancer are taking up residence in my body. I just know. But these faces, these blessed faces, make the swallowing of pills a little more bearable.
from an article originally posted July 20, 2014...
I have a dear friend and I often wake to her texts that remind me she’s praying for me. It’s a lovely way to wake. She often will follow up with a question of how I’m feeling, and that text often makes me a little sad. I want to lie, but she is a friend that wants to hear the truth.
You see, I want to feel good. I want to say I’m great. I want to not feel like I feel today. So yesterday I braved a challenge to my dear friend. I asked her to begin to ask me how I’m living. I asked her to ask me how I’m capturing joy, embracing each moment, living—even when I feel like death. And certainly check in on how I’m feeling. That is loving. So loving. But for a mama that has loved her health, it’s hard to embrace this as my new story.
from an article originally posted July 17, 2014...
Last night two different friends asked me how I was doing. I gave a limp reply but they are the friends that ask: REALLY Kara, how are you REALLY? A few things have happened this week that have changed my perspective a bit.
First, someone was coming to visit me for my birthday day, and they were asked, Oh, are you going to the hospital to see her? Then as I was planning a retreat for this fall, one woman said she expected to find me very sick. More than that, a lot of people have commented on the change of tone in this place, in my writing, in my perspective. Nothing negative, just a change. I would agree; where we once held a bit of confidence in a cure, we now hold onto something much different. Those words are reflected in this place.
