I am not the best at shutting off my brain and relaxing. Often as I fall asleep at night, my mind races with what has passed and what is to come. I'm used to it and I've gotten better over the last year. But the other week we were at a hotel, and I was awake at night. I was praying and thinking, trying to pass the time until I fell back asleep, and the word beloved came to mind.
from an article originally posted April 22, 2014...
Two Sundays ago Jason preached a sermon of such grace and I was deeply moved and convicted. A simple message resounded in my heart. It was the message of Emmanuel—God with us. But it was not a simple message; it was a complex and painful message. I was being asked if I truly believed it. I was being asked if I understood it beyond my ability to write words in this place. As the pain in my mouth, was daily becoming more and more unbearable and no solution seemed to be coming: I was being asked if I believed God was with me.
As always, once we got to the sidewalk, the children let go of my hands and ran ahead: Von to open the door for us, and Ann to “sign in.” I walked past my little man. Thank you, sweet boy. I took the pen out of Ann’s tiny hand, and as I bent to actually sign us in as guests, both my littles ran ahead to Marmee’s apartment.
from an article originally posted April 18, 2014…
My eyes have grown weary of looking upon suffering. My spirit longs to crawl into the fetal position and weep for what had to happen. I look deeply at my own struggles with this living, this today, this moving through moments and I don’t feel at all worthy of the cross.
I remember your first reactions. When you first tried to figure out what was causing your body to respond in the way it does. You never knew you would end up here. In your twenties and fighting for a quality of life that most people take for granted. Including myself. I often wish I had the words to express how much I think of you. How much your suffering crushes my heart. If only God would step in and lighten this load for you, make things even a smidgen easier... Wouldn't that be so much more survivable? This just feels like too much. Like more than one person should be able to handle. And definitely not the right story for someone as young and vibrant and humorous as you.