There is so much to me of presence. I have been struggling and thinking through my limitations lately- the places I am not, and struggle to see where I am. I imagine this will be a battle for the rest of my days- the embracing or fighting of my limits- coming and fading.
Each moment affords me life to live and choices in that living to make. Mostly I’m kept. I’m a woman cared for and kept by my family and Mickey, I am no longer the heavy lifter and keeper of my family. A team of people help provide meals, and we have help with the house. I have found I can do laundry- some of the laundry that is. I can read books, I can listen and I can be present. My presence being what I have to offer feels often inadequate to having the ability to drive to an appointment or make a meal or shop for needed clothes.
This is what is. This is where I am. But for those struggling with limitations, life can be daunting in trying to find meaning.
Then I read scripture and I’m reminded that I am seen, I am known, I will be kept, and I’m okay. It’s hard to understand the kept-ness of my walk with God, but it’s sure. A prayer of David in Psalm 119: Incline my heart to perform your statutes forever, to the end.
It’s a prayer of asking for God to keep his heart inclined. I cried sweet tears when I first read those verses. Jesus that is exactly what I want- an INCLINED heart. A heart bent on being towards Jesus. What more could I want in my limitations? An inclined heart causes every part of me to be softer, gentler, more accepting, content. But a contented heart is a fight for us all, isn’t it?
When my heart is discontent I struggle through the details of life and look closely upon my control for comfort. When my heart is inclined toward God, I’m more willing to open my hands to my story and look for the present grace of God to show up.
I was able to make it to the tea party of my youngest. It felt huge to be there. I felt so thankful to be present. Story drew a beautiful picture of me in Norman, my wheelchair. The teacher asked questions of the children such as what does your mama do when you are at school. Story sweetly answered, my mama goes to doctors to fight her cancer. I cried hot tears and almost never recovered. She also spoke of how I love and snuggle her. I felt so thankful to be present. Her life is so important, and I’m still here present in it.
Where are you today? Are you living present in your day? Are you there witnessing and inclining your heart toward God in your going, doing loving?