This is from a blog post originally posted August 7, 2012.
Last week, a dear woman wrote me and asked me the hardest times of day I face. I immediately knew the answer without having to think: 6:30am and 10pm.
Every morning between 6-6:30am, I wake up, I remember my story, I run to the bathroom to be sick, and then I race down to scripture to find my way back to peace. Then, if everyone is still sleeping, I head out for a long hike, filled with tears, prayers, horrible loud singing. Typically, when I return home, peace has been restored and the grace has been found to begin my day.
Every evening, between 10 and 11, Jason and I get in bed shell shocked from the appointments and meetings and conversations of the day. We lament our new normal and discuss how the kids are doing and the different comments they made through the day concerning cancer. I can often tell we are both awake and restless as we try and process the day. Some days have been hard with appointments that leave us discouraged, and some days are hard with seeing our children slowly swallow the big pill that is living with cancer.
Last Sunday, our dear pastor struggled through making two difficult announcements. He told the congregation of my diagnosis, and he told of the loss of our youth director’s sweet baby Cora Lane. It was a hard morning on many fronts. I was on the point of tears most of the service. When church let out, I bee-lined it to the back door.
As I reached the parking lot, the dear woman and her husband, who asked me my hard times of day, jumped out of their car. Her husband wrapped me in a big hug and said, I’m 6:30 every day, and she called to me, I’m 10 every night. I was undone. I cry now thinking of this couple doing battle with me in my weakest moments. I would like to say those times of day are getting easier. They are not, but I know I’m not alone in them.
Yesterday, I posted my fears for today. Again, I have woken up sick at our reality. This day will be a difficult one, but I know there will be prayers. Thank you all for your many kindnesses and words of encouragement.