Kara’s Collection: Waiting to Exhale

From an article originally posted October 16, 2013…

Isn’t that a song title or a band? Whatever it is, it describes me well. I am learning that the challenge of the rest of my life will be to combat fear with truth. I know several things about my cancer after yesterday: some I knew, some I didn’t. My cancer is aggressive, my cancer is sneaky, it is present, but not accounted for in my body. It is simple to treat, and it is very difficult to treat. I fessed up about headaches, and I won a brain MRI. I don’t want to write that they are checking for brain cancer. That would just be too scary to write.

Today is the first day that life is happening and lying in the fetal position sounds like the good option for me. I am doing my best to look to Jesus, talk to Jesus, be reminded of Jesus, but I feel like I forgot how to breathe. When your beloved doctor tells you at 37 he is going to do everything in his power to keep you alive as long as possible, you think, oh good, thank you... Then you think wait a minute, this isn’t how I imagined it. Life. My story. Can’t we get at script change?

So Jason and I went and ate something. Panera was having some kind of pink something for breast cancer. There was a mug and a bagel. I wanted to scream. I was so angry. You think this pink stuff is so cute, but IT’S KILLING ME! Isn’t that a lovely attitude to have toward a company raising awareness? The Lord gave me self control, I didn’t use my outside voice, only my inside voice. Jason drove me home and I stared at the fire and ignored my phone all day. Nothing really came as a surprise yesterday, just more hard reality.

It was a half day for the kids with the book fair bonus. I loved the book fair as a kid. Not for the books, for the doodads. Wouldn’t you know it, after picking her books, Harper Joy bounced over to me with a kitten poster. Oh, that was me, that was so me. Guess what now happily hangs above her bed?

Today I meet a new loud tube, the MRI. I hear it’s lovely and loud and claustrophobic, but grace will show up. I won’t have results for a long time. Frankly I don’t really want them. The nearness of God is my ONLY good, the nearness of God is my ONLY good, the nearness of God is my ONLY good. He is my exhale, He gets me out of bed, He will meet me in this new scary with Himself.

21 When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28 But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
— Psalm 73