I used to function from this place: grieve and go. When I would meet a new limitation in myself I would wince at the loss of a strength, but then I would simply fight to move on with living as best as I could.
Now I’m weakening to such a greater degree, this passive attitude is becoming more difficult. I simply have little to call strength anymore. I’m seeing the quickening of my fading and I’m left frayed. I want to pretend at strength, but I simply have none left to pretend with to the outside world. I’m a gifted napper and pill taker: my remaining strengths.
I look at my dearest Mickey that is doing the heavy lifting of our home and wonder what would we all do without her gentle strength that is carrying us all. I panic at the thought of her absence. We haven’t deserved a single hour and she has given us months. Months. I was puttering around in my room trying to tidy as best as I could with only one leg cooperating, and she gently came up and helped me in the edges I couldn’t reach.
She is helping me in all the edges of life I cannot reach. She hears my crazy ramblings in the night when I think I’ve turned blind (funny story) and she sweetly gathers in my fears and gently puts me to rest. She tells me it’s going to be okay.
This morning was a particularly hard one trying to find the shoes, the hair brushes and getting everyone going. Jason was at his end, and Mickey came upstairs and spoke of the vision of all the kids being Ella’s age and able to manage without so much help. It was this beautiful hope for Jason. Because I have faded from being able to run about in the morning, and I’m often left feeling so guilty after such mornings. Fading is painful and hard on many fronts.
I just heard a bowl crash downstairs, and in a sing song beautiful reassuring tone Mickey exclaims- “it’s simply a little bowl, nothing to worry about.” Oh Mickey, you help lift so much of what I worry about. How could we ever repay you such beauty you have offered us with your life? You are helping dying become bearable on every front. I have never deserved you, but you are such a grace to my heart. You are the grace that keeps me looking for grace. I love you is inadequate. But I do.
So my grieve and go attitude is gone, I cannot be so glib about my weakening state, but I have the support I need to meet my fading with grace. It’s this beautiful community, and it’s specifically Mickey. She speaks grace over all of us. She paints the picture of the beautiful story I some days cannot see. She helps me to breathe when my breath has been taken away by cancer. Fading is hard, without question, but I have a champion in my fading in Mickey. She won’t let me let go too easily, but she also has great hope for what is to come with my people. Let’s hope they can at least find their shoes and get their teeth brushed in the near future. Small goals…