from an article originally posted August 27, 2014…
This morning I will be heading into a minor surgery to get my port placed again. A port is an amazing medical device set within my arteries to deliver the healing poison to my body and protect my veins. I wept over this having to return to my body. They feel foreign, uncomfortable, and just remind me constantly that I’m sick. The use of the port has grown to be hard for me. Accessing it and flushing it with heparin often causes me to vomit. But these are the steps we take to extend my days, fight this beast, and hopefully destroy the cancer that is so aggressive in my body.
My book came for final review to my publisher and they pulled two copies for me. I cannot explain how this lovely combining of words and weaving and telling of my story feels like a redemption of so much hard in my story. The sharing of these words feels unbelievable to me. I chose a place to read this morning that feels appropriate for what I’m about to face. Thank you for praying for us today. We will face this new hard, we will seek the grace, and we will be kept by Jesus—the one and only redeemer. He is not unaware of my brokenness in this new step. No, he meets me here in love. He will be there as I get into the butt baring gown, he will be there when I wake from the surgery. And He will certainly meet me in the room of sorrow where the big drugs will enter my body. I am kept. Beautifully kept in the midst of it all.
When I meet bald once again, and probably forever, He will love me. There is a resistant corner in my heart that doesn’t want the world to have access into the story of what bald means. But grace will once again meet me there. My kids will kiss my soft head and remind me of goodness.
What fears are you facing this week? How are you trusting them to Jesus? Are you looking for his grace to meet you? My hard may seem too big, that your hard isn’t important. But that is never my heart in sharing my story. I’m not trying to win at the hardest story. No, I’m simply praying we would all grow the strength to look for Jesus instead of hide from him as we suffer. Looking for grace tenders our hearts, grows depth of joy, and reminds us of goodness—even when the story doesn’t appear to be good by the worlds standards. Won’t you look for Jesus with me today? It’s a hard day, but it is not absent of goodness.