from an article originally posted August 2, 2014...
Woke in the night unable to sleep. I have utterly enjoyed this week—these moments—my mind unclouded by chemo. The endless swallowing of pills is a discouragement I struggle to put in words. These pills pulse through my system and create a living that only feels partial. Jason is my champion in every way, but the wearying effects of these pills are hard on us both.
I have loved this week off! Loved every moment of it! Lyle Lovett, a new baby, my littles, friends, and now time next to number two! It has been utter bliss. Her sweet sleeping beside me is a dream I was afraid to dream.
We have played, braved scary rides, eaten, shopped, played some more.
It is 4 in the morning and all I can think about is the handful of pills I must begin to stomach again in the morning. The first two weeks I was low, painfully low, from swallowing the pills. The last round I found myself determined. I can tell these pills are making a difference. So yes, they are hard to take, but they have shrunk my cancer in my hip. I no longer take pain medication.
So yes, I’m anxious for another 2 weeks of pill swallowing. It’s keeping me awake tonight. But to have this...
It’s totally worth it. I will soon wake to her snuggles and chatter. We will enjoy a late breakfast. Then we will head to an art museum. The pills will come... But I will stomach them for a little more of this big love!
What pills of life are hard for you to swallow? Maybe yours are a different kind of pills. How can you move past your fears, anxiety, bitterness and embrace big love, even when it’s hard?
How do you live well when the life you are living isn’t the life you dreamed you would live? Well, you receive. You receive what has been asked of you to walk. And alongside the hard is a grace to grab the honest truth of your story. You grab it, you swallow the hard, and you look to be met. Beautifully met by Jesus. Emmanuel, God WITH us, meets me in each handful of pills I swallow. Then I look for and embrace what living he has for me. Is it hard, unbelievably hard. Some days I can barely move from my bed. But the pills are only a fraction of the hard. The greatest hard is that this is not what I expected my life to look like. But this pain, this hard, this endless swallowing of pills has taught me to savor life in a way I never would have otherwise. I suppose that’s a grace all its own. The heights and the depths.