Kara’s Collection: Walking the Unknown

From an article originally posted 3-7-2014…

And God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.
— 1 Peter 5:10

You all made me weep yesterday, big tears of heartbreak and gratitude. I asked for scripture and you showed up like a boss. I clung to your verses, your prayers, you kind thoughts, quotes, and encouragement yesterday. I needed them. Every single comment was read multiple times. My dear friend Autumn who calls me her Anne of Green Gables and she is my Diana, told me she loved her Anne and signed it Diana-I was utterly undone in the middle of Bonefish.

I put my head down at dinner last night and cried huge tears. I cried for my children having to watch me enter treatment again. I cried at the unknown, and my felt weakness to face that chemo room again. I felt for the first time the sense of unfairness at it all. I wept that I just wanted everyone to have a break from my story. I wanted the bottom to wait, I wanted this hard to come later, not today.

I look at my faces, my loves, and they are too young. These things are so very true, but the other truth is, I have today—this day, right next to them. This today is a gift, a very precious gift.

Last night the smallest came to my room crying to be near to me. All night she sweetly draped her leg over me, stretched, pulled off my covers, and each time she woke me, I covered her face in kisses. It mattered.

This today is spread out before me, it’s spread out before you, will you live it with as much love as you’ve been loved with today? This day today, I can walk the stairs, do the laundry, grocery shop, drive, and hug and kiss. Future days are coming when I am unable to love in all my favorite ways, but that day isn’t today. It might be next week, the week after or the months to come, but today—today counts.

I bought my big girl journals to write letters back and forth with me. I want to hear their hearts, know their hearts, and pursue them every day in love. Sometimes out loud words are too hard, I’m praying written words will give them space to express their hearts and fears. Mostly, I want one more place to let them know they are treasured. I will be writing journals for the littles, but it won’t be a back and forth like it is with the big girls.

Next week we look at my brain. As you can imagine if cancer has returned there it’s a giant game changer. Would you pray that there is not cancer in my brain. That the cancer they found is all that there is currently. Would you pray for us as we hear the specific results and treatment options next Friday we would know peace. And in the waiting, in the tortuous waiting, would you pray peace over us. Felt peace. One more scary snort, then an utter frightening figuring out our next steps.

In the meantime, I get to work with my gifted editor to finish The Hardest Peace. I GET to wake my faces, smell their warm sleeping heads, I get to dream future days, and enjoy this day—today. I get to return to the place of needy and look to my community to carry me once again. I get to know love at a new bottom. I am blessed, sometimes I need ya’ll to remind me of those blessings. Thank you for yesterday. I will treasure those verses forever. I will treasure the prayers and tears shed on my behalf. I will treasure the hearts that show up here and meet me in love, real love-that have never known me in person, but know my heart completely.

Today is a gift, won’t you live in it?