From an article originally posted November 7, 2013…
There was a season of this journey I dreaded the mail. I struggled with the endless pile of bills. I worried over imaginary problems. I failed to see the truth of God’s provision of a good job, health insurance, and a husband that wasn’t anxious over these details. My faith was so weak, and I really struggled to see the care in God’s provision. Mostly, I struggled with huge guilt over the endless bills coming into our home. I felt guilty that my illness was straining our budget. My guy had a different perspective, he saw the great care, the ability to fight this terrible disease, and the need for each additional procedure.
Guilt is a terrible liar. Terrible. It whispers weight of burden, self-loathing and undeserving that get on a loop in one’s mind. Anxiety grows and the truth becomes silent. January will start a new fiscal year of bills, but the truth has grown louder and the lies have grown more quiet, I wish silent, but they are more quiet. The truth is I have been kept, I have received great care, I have an unbelievably supportive husband, and insurance is a gift. Bills are present, but so is a career my husband loves that enables us to make those bills. The struggle is and has always been the feeling that I’m not worth the cost. As I write these words, I realize the persistent lie. The insurance, the job, the medical care are all grace. They are all providentially present to show great love to me, and I need to name the grace and give thanks for it. I also realize the pride I have struggled with in holding onto this for so long. Pride in holding onto my self-loathing cost of my treatment instead of seeing the huge grace in the provision provided.
I am hesitant to share these feeling today, but somehow I think I might not be the only one that struggles with feeling of guilt and unbelief. I’m certain I’m not the only one that fails to see grace in the ability to pay bills you would rather not have. But more than all that, I’m fairly certain I’m not the only one that has been held hostage by quiet whispers of self-loathing and guilt. Jason and I have a favorite verse that has the power to untie the knots we inflict on ourselves. At the heart of this verse is the gospel.
I believe we all hold onto the lies we believe, we protect them, we use them to confirm the loathing we feel in our lives. We protect the hurts instead of exposing them to light and enjoying freedom in Christ. If I am a child of the King, I need to live in the light of His goodness, His grace, and His truth. I need to live in community that helps me expose the lies I hear and live in the love that has been lavished on me. I get to share honestly my weakness, I get to repent my pride, I get to be reminded of the gospel: the passionate, reckless love of Jesus.
Think on the whispers, the lies, the untruth that tag along in your day. Shine the bright light of the truth on them and seek the freedom you were meant to be set free for this day!
Today, I get to spend the day with this gift. I get to repent of my pride and control over this area of my life. I get to walk in the freedom and be humbly thankful for the provision provided for my family. Join me in walking in the light of Christ, let go, let go, let go of the lies. Repent not only of holding onto the lies, but the enjoyment you have in holding onto them.
And my question: what are the lies you are holding onto? What would shining light of Jesus on them and letting them go mean for you? Can you admit to enjoying the lies and walking in unbelief to confirm the lies you enjoy believing?