Kara’s Collection: My Dirty Secret

From an article originally posted September 9, 2013…

I have a weakness, a terrible weakness that regularly shows its ugly head. At the heart of this ugly secret is a struggle with wanting my own plan. I struggle when God interrupts my plans with His plans. This typically shows up in small, mundane situations. Most often, it shows up when an illness enters our home. Oh my soul, I’m the worst when it comes to taking pain and sickness seriously. Isn’t that funny? Someone who spent a year sick, interrupting everyone’s life with her illness, doesn’t show up when sickness happens in her own home. It’s true. It’s terrible. I do a lot of, “Oh, you’re fine, go sit on the potty and drink some water.” Or, like last night, “You didn’t hurt your knee, you’re fine.”

I’m awful. God knew what He was doing when He matched Jason and me. Jason gently explains that the pain is real or the sickness needs attending to gently. I’ll snap to, and at his admonition offer pain meds, ice, prayers, and comfort, but it’s not my first reaction.

When I woke this morning and realized my day was not going to be spent as I had planned, my attitude was sour. I was a punk. I was brewing. I was not relishing the thought of time investing one-on-one with a sweet child, I was thinking about my plans interrupted. Pure evil. And yet, the God of the universe does not forsake me. He loves me enough to gently show me my ugly and sin. He loves me enough to humble me and bring me to repentance. He even loves me enough to give me some of what I had been hoping for in this day despite my bad attitude. And most miraculously of all, He is able to change the hard heart of this mama. I had a friend in North Carolina who regularly reminded me that my kids aren’t fakers when it comes to pain and illness. So many times she saw me quickly pass over concerns; I miss that friend. But I thank God that He (and my guy) hasn’t given up on me.

Now I get to shop for a birthday sleepover tonight, clean the house, and play music loud. My other little secret, I love incense. LOVE IT! My guy, not so much. Jason doesn’t like loud music either. For a little bit today, I get to burn incense, play music loud, and be free from my bad attitude.