Kara’s Collection: How did I get here?

From an article originally posted January 17, 2014…

Today, in a moment of desperation, I decided to try acupuncture to help me with my endless hot flashes. You see, when one goes through chemo, they are thrust into the wonderful world of menopause rather abruptly. So, pain, piled with hot flashes, topped with discouragement…one can begin to despair.

So here I am prostrate on a bed, needles all over my body, looking at a ceiling. I thought of my friend across town recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor. I wondered what her level of desperation was. Then I thought of her sweet spirit and knew she was gently and graciously loving those who were caring for her.

I looked at this silly butterfly mobile above my head and wondered how I got here. Thirty-six, bald, without breasts, unable to dress myself, maybe never seeing the end of this terrible disease, and I felt very weary of myself.

As I sat in this awkward place I asked the Lord three questions:

  • Would I ever be healed?
  • Will my suffering continue?
  • What is He wanting me to understand through this hard season?

And, will He help me to see Him as good if these questions are not answered how I wish them to be answered? I prayed the same for my friend in bed across town awaiting the pathology results of her tumor. All of us are crying out to Jesus that she will not have cancer. But I’m desperately crying out that we would not doubt His goodness in His answer. I found it a very hard prayer to pray.

The acupuncture doctor felt my pulse and said, “You weak, you energy very low.” It was all I could do to not be snarky and sarcastic. Was it the drain tubes, the bald head, my black eyes, the IV bruises up my arms, or my constant wincing in pain that gave me away? This woman was very gentle and well meaning. Poor lady caught me on a tearful Thursday. Lucky for her, grace showed up to help me bite my tongue and not speak my inside voice out loud.

Though I had asked for help taking off my clothes for the appointment, I was too proud to ask for help getting dressed again. After a long time fighting my clothes back on, I left the place of needles weary and depressed. I walked out to the curb and waited for my sister-in-law to come get me. I called Jason and shared my heavy heart with him. His precious, precious answer to my heartbroken tearful question was:

He promises to be with us, Kara. What we need is His presence no matter the answer.

These big pills life keeps throwing at us have been tough to swallow. They are nasty, big, painful and they are refusing to go down.

Dear reader, thank you for hearing my heavy heart. Thank you for loving me in the midst of my fear and despair. I’m tired of me, thank you for hanging in here with me. I love you and every prayer you pray for me. Friends, forgive me for avoiding you. My pain is still great, and I’m fighting out of this hole. Please know you are much loved!