Kara’s Collection: Fretful Wednesday

From an article originally posted November 5, 2012…

Last week one of my favorite people put on Facebook, “I chose a salad today over a cookie, Philippians 4:13.” I laughed hard at that. You see that verse is: “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

But it is true—in big and small things, Christ gives us the strength to do what we cannot do in our own strength.

Right now, I have very little strength. The last two treatments have taken their toll. I cannot stand for long periods of time and my energy fades fast. In my spirit, I feel strong, but in my physical body, I have deteriorated much since summer. 

Mentally and psychologically, I want to do anything but show up for my treatment this Wednesday. I would rather clean out my closets. I would rather clean out your closets! I hate chemo. HATE IT! It is very, very hard. My dear son has a birthday coming up and I know I will have very little strength for it. We have bills coming in that make no sense. I have struggled with peace constantly over the past weeks. My dear Mickey leaves on Thursday. Hard piles on top of hard. 

But because of strength that is not my own, I WILL show up Wednesday. I can face the next treatment, I will say goodbye to my dearest Mickey, I will love my son. I will find my way back to peace. I will figure out our bills. Shoot, one day I will even clean out my closets. But my strength is hidden in Christ. It is not my own. If you heard my internal language you would shutter. But Christ gives me hope to listen for a different voice—one that does not despair when faced with hard, but rather trusts. 

Grace keeps showing up at every turn. As Mickey leaves, my dear friend Jenny comes. I will come out of the haze of chemo #5 with one more treatment and multiple surgeries and possible radiation to face. There have been graces in every moment. I’m not always looking for them. I get stuck in the trouble of self, but I’m loved enough to not be kept there!