From an article originally posted August 19, 2012…
These pills both save me and make me go away for hours at a time. I am just beginning to wake from a 3-day bender of fog, medicine, pain, and sickness.
No amount of preparation enlightens a person to the realities of cancer. Truly, Jason and I loved the ignorance and bliss of the unknown. An old friend from Marion sent a detailed email with tips, ideas, and help to face our coming battle we are about to enter. I perused it, and then forwarded it to Jason. I could not swallow the pill that was coming. When chemo day hit, I had that email memorized, but truly, I didn’t want to know what I was about to face. I didn’t want to know about horrible tastes, dry mouth, joint pain, cooking smells, nausea, all of it. I didn’t want to face it. I still don’t really want to admit I’m sick. Wasn’t I just out running the other day? Wasn’t I healthy? I’m not really sick, am I?
Most of my time is spent on my side of the bed looking at this special bookcase Jason rescued off the side of the road for our friend Anna. I have promised her I will gladly return it when my treatments are over. I look forward to needing only a small nightstand to house my current book. Now, this beast carries: medicine, computer, flowers, lotion, cards, snacks, kids’ books, and much more.
When I feel a glimmer of strength, I run downstairs to be with the kids. They flock for hugs and back scratches, and when I can’t make it downstairs, they find their way to love all on their own. Many a napping party have happened in my bed. My kids are resourceful, and I’m so thankful.
Cancer wants to be a thief and steal my moments, but there is always grace. There is always room for Jesus and love. I feel like I’m coming out of a 3-day cloud into a lighter misty fog. I am told the clouds will clear just in time for my next treatment. But grace will meet me there.
I had this one task that was gnawing at me to get done before school started. I simply wanted to buy the kids new lunch boxes. Our current ones are on their last legs, and I had in my mind that a “good mama” has a good lunch system. Trivial, I know, but I was committed. Today, I had a sliver of energy and my man honored my request and took me to buy my lunch boxes.
I had been scouting them out at Pottery Barn. The kids were tickled with them, and I’m thankful to have done this one thing for them. You see, someone kindly did their school supply shopping, and another friend did their clothes shopping while I was in my fog. I feel so blessed by my help, but I also feel blessed by the ability to do one errand. I pray for the energy to help the kids make their lunches this coming year. I want to love them with a healthy lunch.
Even if it is going to be a hard year, it’s going to be a good year. I just may be sleeping a good bit of it. This journey will forever change us all. Every time I wake up, I ask Jason if I have been kind. It is still my prayer—that in my weariness and fatigue, I would show Christ to my kids. Not faking it, but truly showing them the love that has been shown to me through Christ. Thank you all for your support and prayers.