July 14, 2016. Kara’s birthday. She would have been the big 4-0! Which would have meant a crowded house of friends (and probably some strangers). The day would have been a picture of music, laughter, eating good food, drinking good wine, enjoying our friends. But that picture is a nothing compared to what she experiences now.
From an article originally posted December 16, 2013…
I can’t sleep. My mind refuses to shut off tonight. I spent the day enjoying the small graces of my life. A slow morning with friends, food, the kids, a fire, and a movie with my oldest daughter. She snuggled close and held my hand through the movie. It felt like an important day. Tonight, as I was reading to my son, he rubbed his feet against mine just the way I do every evening. Jason used to try and hide his feet from me in the covers. Now my habit is a part of his evening routine.
From an article originally posted December 15, 2013…
Struggling to sleep tonight. My mind is too full of the coming week. The one test is causing the list of details for next week to be confused. Excited children implore me to do a myriad Christmas events. I look at them with a blank stare, hardly able to remember days. Parties, gifts, the best of the season is going on and I cannot focus. I want to be present, smiling, there, but I’m distracted. It frustrates me, I don’t want these tests to steal mind space, moment’s peace. Similar to last year, I have purchased and hidden toys. I’m not sure what I’ve purchased or where I’ve hidden them. I’m not sure if I’ve been shopping equally, or if one child has excess and another barely has anything. My hope is after Tuesday the fog will clear.
From an article originally posted December 13, 2013…
I’m spending hours carefully laboring over the playlist for our upcoming dance party. Ella and I listen, dance, discuss each song. This one starts slow, I think that one might have dropped an F-bomb. We play the music in the car, at home, and by the time the dance gets here we might all be a little tired of the music. My littlest asked for one song: Ice Ice Baby! It’s her favorite. It made the cut.
For A, C, & L…
Several months after Kara died, I noticed Jason had taken off his wedding ring. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me; I took a deep breath and casually asked him about it. [Note: he says I casually asked; I felt like I was about to hyperventilate asking about something so personal and intimate. I’m pretty sure my voice was cracking with nerves.]
Yeah, you know, I just felt like it was time. One day in the bathroom, I simply slid it off. He graciously went on to explain his thoughts to me. As I processed the absence of his ring in the weeks to come, I reminded myself that as he says, he is no longer married; his identity has changed, and he has been grieving as a widower—a single person.
