From an article originally posted September 23, 2013…
I think it surprises people that I’m out, I’m up, and I’m functioning. When I think on my now, I imagine myself in the fetal position in my bed. There is a part of me that wants to hibernate and have someone wake me when it’s all done. But life with children doesn’t give that liberty and freedom. Even without children, I don’t think we have the freedom to stop. We certainly have the freedom to grieve, to hurt, to talk to Jesus about our heartbreak; but stop, take a time out, pull back and avoid people? Nope!
Jason asked me yesterday if church overwhelmed me. Not a bit. I felt such love and encouragement. So many hugs and faces of those who are praying for us. Singing felt joyful, freeing, hopeful. My heart left light, reminded of the truth. I told my story to a woman who had not heard and her kind heart broke. Such tender love does not discourage me. This is heartbreaking, but it is not without hope.
As much as I can be in the game, I want to be in it. Present. Living. Today I hear results of my PET scan. It’s a test that indicates where cancer might be hiding out in my body. There are friends and family around the country tied in knots waiting to hear. Jason wanted to stay home today. I felt strong enough to stay home and wait, hear, listen to the results alone with my littles and my laundry. I’m doing the next thing today: mountains upon mountains of laundry. By stomach knots when I ponder too many steps ahead, so I’m doing battle against getting ahead of myself.
I was full of anxiety before I started writing, but this place has become a refuge of reminder for me. I sit, I write, I remember where my focus needs to be. It’s beyond me. It’s looking at Jesus square in the face and saying, “I trust you, in the face of the devastatingly impossible I will follow. In the face of each new hard, I will seek you.” But it’s not only the writing that has helped, it’s y’all! From my first honest post of the new hard coming at us, I have sensed the prayers of many. I have slept at night, functioned when life says I should be floundering, and kept going. We have even had moments of laughter and joy.
Last night Jason and I discussed something from his conference he went to last week. A certain speaker struck him deeply. This speaker challenged the idea of loving Jesus without holding back. Wholehearted, open handed, holding nothing back love for Jesus. Jason and I knew what we are holding back. It’s me. But God is working on us, loving us, giving us the grace to do the next thing without much fear for the next thing. I would be lying to say fear is absent. It’s not.
But what are you holding back. Keeping to yourself. Living unsubmitted to the Good God that loves you so fully? What are you saying, “Not that, don’t ask that of me?”