From an article originally posted April 4, 2013…
The sun is shining, spring is showing herself more welcome and lovely than ever. I, on the other hand, want to hide in my bed. Rough nights and fearful mornings have plagued me. Keeping life at a hurried speed has not stopped my coming reality.
Tomorrow, I meet again with my radiologist. Tomorrow, I have multiple hours of imaging in a machine that will soon be my constant companion for six and a half weeks. People who have walked this before me assure me this is the simplest step. But for me it hasn’t been. For me, it’s the reminder that I’m far from finished in this journey. After this, I may face several surgeries to correct what this may do. After this, I face a decision about a hysterectomy. After this, I face the new fears of living... New fears of future cancers. The journey feels far from over, and the battle in my mind feel enormous.
Today, I get to serve a friend that has faithfully served me. I get to cook a meal for another in need. Tomorrow, I go back to a place of being needy. There is a huge place of unknown for me with radiation. Do you see the nail marks on the wall? I don’t want to do this.... I kind of hate people asking me when radiation will begin. It comes from such a place of love, but I’ve enjoyed pretending these last few weeks.
Grace will show up. It always does. Pray I will have eyes to see it. Struggling this day to see it.
What is your struggle today? Do you believe that grace will show up for you? How can you love and comfort someone else looking for grace?