From an article originally posted March 9, 2013…
Last week our friends from Denver came down for dinner. While my friend and I were cooking, the guys were hiking, and the kids were playing, the boys passed through the kitchen. Their little boy looked squarely at me and said, “Are you done with the cancer yet?” I wasn’t sure what he said, and he’s so darn cute so I asked him to repeat it. Sure enough, “Are you done with THE CANCER yet?”
I didn’t know how to answer him. Certainly, I wanted to say, “Yes, sweet boy, I’m done, thank you for asking.” I stammered through an answer. This young boy knows too much of cancer for his young age. His question came from a caring, honest place. I still struggle through the answer. That may be why I’ve neglected my blog. My dear friend with whom I have walked this road had a complete result from chemo. Which means all her pathology came back without any cancer remaining. PRAISE GOD! Her road is far from over, but that is just the best news.
That was not my news. I still had cancer, but the tricky part is where my cancer was found. They found cancer, but they found it in the lymph nodes they took out. So I could be cancer free, but it’s not definitive. Not for certain. I didn’t feel like I could look at that sweet boy and say I was done with “the cancer” yet. Boo.
That takes me to my living. My today. My now. I think I’m living at such a fast pace as to not deal with the season we just walked through. I have sped up my life to such a pace that I don’t think on those miserable months often. I relish being able to swim with the kids, cook dinner, have company, but I’m also working very hard at avoiding what was. Tonight, on the way home, I kept remembering that awful moment we were told I probably had cancer. We walked into that place flirtatious and carefree and walked out bound and brokenhearted.
Dear reader, I have avoided you. You remind me of a painful time. But you also remind me of a time where I was loved, carried, prayed for, served, embraced. Forgive me for neglecting you. Since I have last written I have been told of two more cases of cancer. Both stories were told to me from people who are entering the battle with a dear loved one. I thought tonight I would write a post talking about the specifics that really helped in my darkest hour.
I have so much to rejoice in these days. Thanksgiving in the mundane never stops. I feel exhilarated in the living these days. Today I lifted my baby from the cart. She clung to me and she hugged me tight all the way to the car. I whispered to her over and over how much I loved her. I made her promise to remember. I think she will.
I may be running from my past a bit, but geez, it feels good to be able to run! Radiation will soon be here and the relay of appointments will begin again.