From an article originally posted February 4, 2013…
Last Friday was a hard day of appointments. We have been given lots of differing opinions and stats to drive our next step. The tussle over my treatment is overwhelming. In my appointment with my oncologist, I wanted to cry the entire time. His news was great; he was, as always, gentle and kind. But my next step is unclear and I can get buried in the unknown and fear of making the wrong choice. I hear statistics, I hear recurrence rates, and all I want to say/scream is, “This is my life!” I will, one day, be a statistic, but today I’m Kara Tippetts: wife to one, mother to four, partner in life with many.
Thankfully, after exchanging texts of discouragement, my friend/doctor talked me off my self-made cliff and helped give me some direction. I need things to focus on, to help keep my mind from focusing on the unknown.
My current update is that as a patient, I have entered a grey zone. Every one of my doctors has a different opinion as well as statistic to back their opinion of what I need to do next. Some of the numbers are astounding as far as recurrence without radiation. Others give me excellent stats without radiation. Seriously, I want to fall on the ground and cry mercy. I used to love gray! Love it. Now, not so much.
Insignificant update: my hair is returning. Seriously, I need to shave, but I’m so tickled to be growing hair, I don’t care. All right, I never shaved my legs much anyway. I’m just giving myself a good excuse. I like it! But my head is full of fuzz. I literally greeted my friends at Westside yesterday and automatically tilted my head down. People want to pet me. I get that.
I will say it out loud now. I have kept this to myself, but I’m tired of looking like a thumb. Yes, when I look in the mirror, that is what I think. “Good morning, Thumb. You still look very strange.” Especially with weirdly thin eyelashes and without eyebrows, I have felt very thumb-like for a while. Now that I’ve said it, you will think it too. But I say it now, because it won’t last much longer. I’M GETTING HAIR!
I have had some bad haircuts in my day. I have had to grow out some awkward cuts, but this will take the cake. I cannot imagine what awkward stages I will happily be facing in the months to come. But, I’m ready! More than ready. I’m ready to go in public without being gawked at. It’s time for a new season!